Adventures in Transit Retardation!

I mentioned previously in this space that I had decided to spend this past weekend at home with my parents in east Baltimore County. What I neglected to mention was how it was that I got there. Hoo boy. You see, on my average workday, I drive to the MARC Train park and ride in beautiful, horribly designed Historic Downtown Laurel. When my day is over, I take the 5:51 train from Washington, DC back to Laurel, which puts me in my car at 6:15 and home by 6:40. Wanting to save myself needless miles on the car, as well as some extra time to my evening, I packed my car on Friday morning with the intention of driving straight to Baltimore from the park and ride, with an ETA of 7:00 P.M. Without hotshot history teacher Michael Meagher to slow me down, I made ripping good time to Union Station, and found myself waiting in the station for the train to arrive and the track number to be posted. By 5:30, I'd say, the little LCD numbers popped up and I bolted for the tracks...I was a little too eager, it seems. By the time I got to the tracks, I had already forgotten where my train was. No worries, though. I glanced up at the information screens at the end of each track and found the one for me. I was still unsure of myself, for some reason...even more so when I saw an unfamiliar train attendant waiting next to my usual car. The tall, gray-haired man with the sunglasses and the easygoing demeanor was nowhere to be seen. I should've asked the attendant in his stead if I was getting on the train bound for Laurel. But, I didn't, and God knows why. I was listening to my DJ at the time; perhaps I was rocking out to a particularly "rad tune", as the children say. You know, the 35-year-old ones. So I jammed my silly little way right onto that train car.

As soon as I was in the car, I glanced around, looking for some of the usual passengers. No one seemed particularly familiar, but I haven't paid close attention to my co-commuters in Laurel, really. I still haven't rode alone very often, and I only recognize really remarkable faces, like the guy who looks like Michael Gross, the dad from Family Ties. So to reiterate, no Michael Gross. Oh well. I settled into a seat near the front of the car and called my friend Dot on my Motorola Crapmaster phone. I wanted to let her know I would be in town for the weekend, and to see if we could make plans. I heard the conductor make an announcement about the train route over the PA, but it was more garbled than Marlon Brando portraying a stroke victim in a radio show that was broadcast from a Chinese buffet over CB radio. As I caught Dot up on the news of my life, the train started rolling. Sure, NOW I noticed something was definitely wrong. I checked my watch - 5:37. I was on the wrong train, headed on the wrong route.

Five minutes later, the attendant came by to check tickets. I asked him as nonchalantly as possible how close the train would come to Laurel. He said that my best bet would be Odenton, or "OdINGton", as he called it, because no one in Baltimore speaks the King's English. Then I placed a semi-panicked call to my father, who after much groaning, sighing, and blustering, agreed to pick me up in Odenton. By the time I had arranged my ride, I was almost there. I disembarked from the train at 6:05, and waited. And waited. And waited. After reading much of the Washington Post Express and about half of Flannery O'Connor's "Everything That Rises Must Converge", I saw my dad pull up in his clattering 1993 Saturn, the one with an interior that looks like the dumpster behind an art gallery. It was after 7:00, and I hadn't had dinner yet, much less made it to Laurel.

With my half-assed grasp of Howard County, it took me nearly a half an hour to direct my dad to Main Street Laurel. As we manuevered along the "quaint" street with its half-blind motorists and logic-defying traffic light patterns, he turned to me and said, "THIS is the way you get to the train every day? No wonder it takes you so damn long!" Short, sweet, and to the point. That's Terry for you. Of course, after all that trouble, the 45-minute drive up I-95 was a cake walk...we'll just pretend it was, anyway. Final time of arrival at the Brotzman home: 8:30 PM.

What have we learned?

A) I am retarded.

B) Mass transit is the devil.

C) I will continue to curse the name of Odenton all my days. ODENTOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!!

My next job will be to pluck the weeds in the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, thankyouverymuch.

Current Music: Free - All Right Now

My life is an open book...read it, suckas!

Hey, I'm home for the weekend in the BC...so I actually *have* Internet. Here's the deal. After six weeks of no Internet connection with Comcast, and no set timetable for when they would actually repair our cable line, I reached my boiling point. So I marched out to their main office in White Marsh today and handed in the modem, cords, and all and canceled the account. To my shock, they actually credited the Internet charges back to my account, and now it is officially as though my time as a Comcast Internet customer never existed. Let us never speak of it again.

As a quick Boots update, she was moved to the hospital last night and found to have a skin infection as well as a knee infection. She was put on some serious antibiotics and by all accounts is doing much better. I saw for myself tonight...she isn't hearing very well right now, but she was alert and responsive. I fed her a giant Klondike ice cream sandwich, and she ate it all - she still has her priorities, lol. They pay so much attention to her in the hospital, and take thorough care of her; the difference between the hospital and the care center is night and day. I still felt depressed when I left, but I know that she is in good hands for now, and that's the best than I can expect.

Wow, so my first actual post in this blog, and it's a silly survey. What can you do? Let's roll.

1. Initials: KMB. Same as Mate Mernstein, for those in the know. *taps side of nose conspiratorially*

2. Name someone with the same birthday as you: Neil "Screw You Buzz Aldrin" Armstrong, August Fifth

3. Where was your first kiss? On the lips, I think

4. For or against same sex marriages? Well, put it this way. Has Jerry Falwell ever steered us wrong? If hating Teletubbies is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Um, I mean...for 'em.

5. Are you homophobic? What a gay question

6. Are you bisexual? Nope, lesbian all the way

7. Do you believe in God? Yes

8. How many US states have you been to? Molly's list puts mine to shame. Maryland, Pennsylvania, Delaware, New York, New Jersey, Ohio, Virginia, West Virginia. Eight? Eight. I do have standing invitations to California and Louisiana, if I can scrap the cash together.

9. How many of the US states have you lived in? Just the Maryland one. Boo.

10. Have you ever lived outside the US? Not until I convince Columbia to secede

11. Name something you like physically about yourself: I still have shapely runners' calves.

12. Name something non physical you like about yourself: My sense of humor. Everybody loves a clown, so why don't you?

13. Where do you want to go to college? Washington College. Underclassmen, heed my words: STAY THERE. STAY AS LONG AS YOU CAN. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CHERISH IT.

14. What is your dream car? Let's see. I own a 1996 Camry with 218,000 miles on the ticker. My Check Engine light never goes off. Just today I discovered a leaky tire and a hole in the muffler. So yeah, any other car.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Well I've never been to Spain, but I kinda like the music.

16. Have you ever had someone of the opposite sex over at your house while your parents were gone? Pfft, no. I am lame. Lame, I tells ya.

17. How many concerts have you gone to? Well, countless DHX shows. And of course, three HFStivals. So I've seen Green Day, the Offspring, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Foo Fighters, Live, Scott Weiland, Goo Goo Dolls, B-52s, Harvey Danger, Fastball, Mighty Mighty Bosstones...I forget the rest. Oh, and I worked crew at a Counting Crows concert at WAC and was up front for the whole show. Adam Duritz is a sweaty, sweaty, man.

18. Do you download music? I agree with Molly...arr, matey! I be one step ahead of the law at all times! Long live Warez.

19. How many illegal things have you done? Public nudity, underage drinking, the piracy...other than that, nothing comes to mind.

20. Where would you want to go on a first date? Wrestlemania. Okay, just kidding. I would say a moderately priced restaurant, but it's probably best that the girl's first impression not be watching me eat. I really don't know.

21. Describe your perfect date: When I was in Ocean City last month, I had a notion that it would be really great to meet someone there, and to be able to get to know them in an atmosphere where you are already relaxed and enjoying yourself. We could walk along the beach at night (I know, long walks on the beach, it's not my fault society as a whole ran it into the ground), ocean breeze blowing on our faces and through our hair...

22. Has anyone sang or played for you personally? Mike Duck once played "I Will Survive" at my own personal request. That rocked my socks.

23. Ever been kissed under fireworks? At commencement weekend last year, I did caress Ridgaway softly under fireworks, but that's it.

24. Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time? Oh, go to hell.

25. Do you like President Bush? As I just said to Boothe, we're talking about someone whose favorite book is a novelization of the music video "Du Hast". So we'll say no.

26. Have you ever bungee jumped? You'd think so, but not really.

27. Have your ever white-water rafted? Nay.

28. Have you ever crashed a car? Nothing more than a light tap on the rear bumper of a BMW. I still got taken to the cleaners. Cars suck sometimes.

29. Has anyone more than 10 years older than you hit on you? Wait, how old was Libby? Probably.

30. Have you ever met a real redneck? I've worked in the tool department of a Sears. How's that for an answer?

31. Are you interested in anyone right now? Mig from Rock Star: INXS. His kisses are dreamy.

What the hell happened to #32?

33. What is your current favorite song? Man, do I love "Red Mosquito" by Pearl Jam, off the No Code album.

34. What was the last movie you watched? Anchorman. So much funnier than I would have expected. "It's damn hot today...milk was a bad choice."

35. Who was the last person you said you loved? My momma

36. Where was the last place you went besides your house? Sears, just because I don't have to work there any more. (And I was already in the area)

37. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? I did befoul Mikey's bedroom carpet the other day, but I have apologized several times already.

38. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? I can't say that I have, thank God. For Fuddy Meers, I had to grab Siobhain and throttle her a bit. Maybe I hit my sister once or twice, but she hits way harder, and she usually starts it.

39. Have you ever sang in front of a large number of people? Haha, ohh. I got my Dreamcoat on in high school, and even had a solo ("Potiphar"). The cows stopped giving milk shortly thereafter.

40. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? A lot of it is in the eyes. That's pretty ironic, really, because I am terrible about making eye contact in conversation. But from a distance, I like to see where their eyes are going.

41. What really turns you on? Laughter, softness, a slow burn.

42. What do you usually order from starbucks? Nnnnope. I brew my own tea, dammit. Bigelow Plantation Mint.

43. What is your biggest mistake? Ever? Hum. I got way too involved with someone who wasn't good for me. But it was many years ago, and I hope I learned from it.

44. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Nah, usually just impulsive, stupid acts of frustration.

45. Say something totally random about you? I have a brown birthmark next to my navel.

46. Do you have an iPod? Nope, I stand by my Dell DJ 20. Four months, and it still hasn't caught fire, populated itself with Wham! songs, or told me to kill.

47. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Here's a random list: Tim Mahoney of 311, Dave Matthews, Matthew Broderick, Lou Diamond Phillips

48. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? I LOOOOVE Fairly Oddparents

49. Do you have braces? Used to, and for what? I still have a huge gap in my front teeth.

50. Are you comfortable with your height? Yes. I don't have to worry about many girls being taller than me, and my long legs come in handy when I'm in a hurry. If I was shorter, I'd probably be fat as hell.

Or #51, for that matter?

52. Do you speak any other languages besides English? Broken conversational Spanish. Did you know that limpiar para brisas is Spanish for windshield wipers? Huh, didja?

53. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? Is that like code for a KFC?

54. What magazines do you read? None, really. Yes, I work for U.S.News and World Report. What's your point?

55. Do you think these surveys are stupid? If I admit that I do, what does that say for me? And why do I keep answering questions with more questions? Is anybody still reading this?

56. Do you have a hidden talent? My stomach-churning double jointed arms

57. Have you gone further than kissing? OooooooooOOOOOOHHHHHhhhHHHHH! How'd that studio audience get in here? Um, yeah.

58. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Yes, but I haven't had liquor in one, so I haven't had the full experience.

59. Has anyone you were really close with passed away? Two friends, a former teacher, and my grandparents on my dad's side.

60. Do you watch MTV? Your mother.

61. What's something that really annoys you? I would say the price of gas, but that is more accurately described as a raw, guttural hatred.

62. What's something you really like? My friends.

63. Do you like michael jackson? I will broadly interpret this question, and say that yes, I have fond memories of former Ravens wide receiver Michael Jackson. But he didn't have much staying power.

64. Can you dance? I'm going to need a lot more to drink.

65. Have you ever surfed? Surfed, impaled myself on a boogie board, it's all the same.

66. Do you know how to pump gas? You know, you don't so much do the pumping. You stick it in, squeeze the trigger, and the pump does the rest. You know, just like sex. At least, that's what Ridgaway tells me.

Seriously, what's going on? Did this person just never learn how to count?

68. What's the latest you have ever stayed up? It amazes me that I have ever pulled all-nighters (not since middle school, probably). Now, if I get any less than 5 hours of sleep, I get sick as hell. I had a couple of nights in college that I was up writing papers until 6 AM. Wacky.

69. Have you ever though that you were honestly going to die? Sure! The one that comes readily to mind was getting trapped under a giant raft in an in-ground pool when I was ten. My sister was on the raft, and thought I was playing when I was pushing on the bottom of it. I was short of air, and panicked. Whew.

70. Ever been rushed by ambulance to emergency? I broke my arm in two places when I was five, but my parents rushed me to the hospital in our van.

71. Have you ever been dared to do something you didn't want to do? Hm, I didn't particularly want to jog a lap around my friend's back yard with my swimsuit around my ankles.

72. Did you do it? It was a dare, I had to.

What an odd place to stop. Oh well. You're the boss, faceless survey purveyor.

Current Music: Big Audio Dynamite - Rush

Oh no! It's spreading!

As Alice Cooper once said, "Welcome to my nightmare." I've been spewing forth the contents of my brain, both sugary and bilious, over on Live Journal since last November. But it's a slow day at work and I want to play with some new toys, so I'm bringing the noise and possibly the funk to blogspot as well. Basically, I'll be posting the same stuff here as I do over there, and you can pick and choose which one to visit...whichever looks prettier, or smells better, or even which universe claims your allegiance. If you want to visit both, well...I desperately crave your attention. It's all I've got.

Ooh, but I did have a Snickers bar yesterday. It was delicious. Those bastards eat like a meal.

Current music: Motley Crue - Dr. Feelgood